Friday, April 6, 2012

Military parody site: "The Duffel Blog"

Some very funny stuff HERE, written by people in the services. Humor in Uniform, with a twist of blog. Some highlights:

Stolen Valor Claim After Man Poses As Elite Administrative Soldier

Richfield, OH – On a normal Friday night at the Clearview Bar & Grill, U.S. Army Reservist SPC Wendell Dukes had ordered his usual Rolling Rock and was minding his business. He had recently returned from deployment to Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan, where the harsh environment had denied him everything, from Wi-Fi to good cell reception to even a decent printer. What it never denied him however, was a sense of pride. Dukes and his fellow administrative specialists (MOS 42L) had worked hard and earned the respect of their peers and, according to the 19 year-old soldier, “Nothing moves without orders and orders don’t move without us! You have registered mail? Good luck getting it there without our signature!”

So you can imagine Dukes’ dismay when a man he had never seen before — walked into the bar — and claimed to be a member of his elite unit.

“He was wearing this—well for lack of a better term, it was a costume-and said he was just back from downrange. He wore some strange medals I hadn’t seen before — crooked — and I noted right away that not only were his ACUs freshly pressed, but the dead give away was the complete lack of a carpal tunnel brace on the forearm and no paper cuts on the fingers. It was amateur night.”

Dukes takes a swig of his Rolling Rock. His eyes now take on a far off look.

“I earned my cuts, damnit! It was then and there I knew my fellow 42Ls and I were being robbed. ”

Dukes didn’t get mad however. He decided to get even and lured the man, Mr. Ben Faquir, into a story of his many exploits — a popular method poser hunters often use to call out phony veterans.

“It was all downhill from there,” Dukes said. “He starts off ‘So, there I was…in the shit…the coffee was gone. We were out of doughnuts.’ Anyone who’s been downrange knows full well Green Bean is almost always open and we’re hip deep in pogey bait, so there’s no excuse. I called Stolen Valor after that.”

After Dukes’ tip, the FBI decided to investigate. In what was a open and shut case, Mr. Faquir was tried and sentenced to a $10,000 fine and one year’s probation. He could not be reached for comment at the time of this article.

Although this story had a happy ending, it’s still not enough for Wendell Dukes. He encourages all 42Ls not to allow their profession to be sullied by posers.

“It’s like they think they know what’s it’s like, behind the wire, when the chow hall’s out of ice cream and server lag keeps you from playing World of Warcraft. You shouldn’t let anyone think they know what that’s like. Not unless you’ve been there.”


..Nickelback landed in Afghanistan on Thursday morning to a warm welcome. Volunteers greeted the band’s members at the runway with handshakes and pats on the back, and then escorted them to breakfast in the base dining facility.

Airman First Class Kelly Johannsen, a bighearted member of the welcoming committee, said, “We know what a big deal this is for Nickelback, so we wanted them to feel welcome. We thought about rolling out the red carpet we use for VIPs, but we didn’t want to oversell it.”

On Thursday afternoon, Nickelback members sat at a table for a Meet ‘N’ Greet, where Air Force personnel came up one by one to introduce themselves. In the course of an hour, over 300 airmen came by to brighten up the band members’ day.

“We came out here because we wanted to [get some] support [from] our troops,” said Nickelback front man Chad Kroeger. “I’m so happy that we were able to come out here and do this.”

“I loved that I was able to contribute to such a good cause,” said Airman Justin Poole, who attended the Meet ‘N’ Greet. “Even though they’re Canadian, they’re still humans, so they deserve a little humanity. I just hope that in some small way, we made them feel better about themselves.”

"Even though they're Canadian, they're still humans..." Epic.

And the all-timer..

Investigation Uncovers Controversial ‘PowerPointing’ Interrogation Technique

Washington DC - Army interrogators in Afghanistan have used “PowerPointing” 784 times on thirteen Taliban prisoners, according to the US Army’s Criminal Investigation Command.

In a report titled “For the Greater Good”, PowerPointing is defined as “forcing a subject to view a series of PowerPoint slideshow presentations to the point of exhaustion, thereby making it possible to gain answers or information from the subject.” According to the report, interrogators used the technique to deal with uncooperative or belligerent prisoners.

“PowerPointing is torture, plain and simple,” said lead investigator Hugh Johnson. “Even though we’re dealing with people who are often terrorists plotting against the United States and our allies, we can’t stoop to their level.”

Johnson said Army interrogators collected PowerPoint presentations from their unit’s training officers. Presentation topics included fraternization, sexual harassment, and motorcycle safety.

Not everyone agrees with the criticism. Colonel Jackson Hayes, former commander of the 5th Signal Command, one of the organizations under investigation, said, “PowerPointing is very, very effective. It gets results better than any other technique we use. By the sixth or seventh hour, the subject is catatonic and completely cooperative.”

Johnson said the technique’s effectiveness does not condone its use. “We have to behave better than our enemies. As a civilized society, we cannot match their level of cruelty.”

As parody, that is a singular thing of beauty. Outstanding. The Duffel is now on the T-Shade blog-roll.